I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
