I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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