I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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