pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
