I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
