Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
