someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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