Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
