i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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