Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
