Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize