dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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