I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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