Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
