Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
