Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
