so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
