He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
