life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
