i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is my gift to your gina
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
