His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
