Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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