There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
