I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
