im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
