I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
