You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
