Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
