why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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