Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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