so that wasnt chicken after all
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize