My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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