There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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