I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
