My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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