the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
