i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
