I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
