how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
