since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
