no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
