Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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