You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
