you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
