I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize