all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
