What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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