the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
