I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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