My liver just broke up with me...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
me + whiskey = a bad person
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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