hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
