There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
