So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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