The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
