Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
