: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
