allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
