this beer tastes like vomit already
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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