I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
