i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
