I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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