Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
