She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
