I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize