I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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