How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
