Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
