you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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